Mealtimes and Milestones by Barter Constance

Author:Barter, Constance [Barter, Constance]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Publisher: Robinson

1.

The tube would be re-passed as normal.

2.

The tube would be inserted, but I would have to feed myself through the tube.

3.

The tube would be passed at a particular time during each day, every day if I wasn’t up to date. After each feed, it would then be taken out.

I don’t want any of those, especially not the third one.

I got into the car with my mum after the core team meeting and burst into tears. I can’t believe that I am in this situation again. I can’t bear the thought of having a tube passed again, but I can’t see another way out.

I DON’T WANT TO DRINK – I DESERVE AND WANT TO DIE.

I arrived at the orthodontist still crying, and this brought on a whole new set of worries. I found it hard to trust the lady because I didn’t know her. I think the roots of the trust issues that I have stem from my relationship with my mum, because I often still blame where I am now on her. I begged her not to tell anyone about my not eating and drinking, but she did, so now I don’t trust anyone. People ALWAYS let you down. As well as that, the bill was a lot of money, which could have been spent on something much more important than me, and I feel terribly guilty.

When I returned to the unit, I was told that if I continued not to drink, then they would pass a tube tomorrow and I would have to feed myself.

Friday 19 October

My key worker fetched me from lessons at 10.30 a.m. and told me that I was going to be tubed at 10.45. Of course I didn’t want it, but I missed the tube, I wanted it back as my friend.

I started shaking when they were inserting it and I totally tensed up. I kept groaning through my mouth as I could feel the cold plastic scraping down my throat. This time, the process seemed much more brutal, and my nose started bleeding. I felt like the brutality must be a punishment. I didn’t like feeding myself, but as it was my first time the nurse did most of it for me.

In the afternoon a package came for me. I opened it eagerly and it was a signed poster from the teenage pro-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Hawaii saying: ‘Constance, never give up.’ Someone gave me her book about her journey after she got her arm bitten off in a shark attack, and I found her story truly inspirational because of her dedication and faith. However, I am truly confused about how she knew I was here, and how the parcel got to me. Later in the day I found out that my mum had got in contact with her. It was such a big boost for me. It is hope.

TEXT MESSAGE:

Awww Connie that is so cute! You are so strong and I am so so so proud of you. Please do not stop believing that you can do it – because you can.

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